Just Be

I wish I could just be me
Not putting on any masks
Or smiles.
I'm happy being a spaz.
I'm happy being a loner.
I'm happy being a tease.
I'm happy being a friend.
I'm happy being all of these.
They are all different parts of me.

Sometimes I just wanna
Be hyper.
No I don't have mental
Problems.
No this isn't always me.
I just wanna play

Sometimes I just wanna
Be alone.
No I'm not sad.
No there is nothing wrong.
I just wanna be alone.

Sometimes I just wanna
Flirt.
No I'm not a slut.
No I'm not easy.
It's just for fun.

I always wanna be a
Friend.
No I'm not a fake.
No I won't try to hurt you.
I'm here to support you.
Just don't drag me down.

I'm happy being all of these.
But sometimes I don't know
Who I am.
Or what I want.
Even then I am me.

The Funeral

Decrepit, crooked, and withered
The last few hours waning nigh
It will come to a close.
The preparations already
Beginning.
Shutters being drawn.
Doors being closed.
Slowly all becomes silent.

But the old year does not
Die alone.
Boisterous celebrations
Accompany the heavy
Casket to the
Grave.
The weight of pain
The weight of sin
The weight of mistakes made
Falling into the gaping hole of
The past.
Letting go and moving on.

In comes the fresh
The new
And the un-spotted.
A clean slate to rewrite
The future.
A time to recommit
Reinvent
And remake
Yourself.

I am letting go
Of that which
Broke me.
I am embracing
That which
Strengthens me.

That's How Life Goes

Anger
Love
Sadness
Compassion
So many emotions
Swirling in and
Out of our lives,
Minds, and hearts.

Different situations
Bring out different
Sides of a multi-surfaced
Creature.
Such delicate forms of
The human mind
Becoming apparent
Through the
Experiences we have.

All our choices and actions
Are cumulative to an end.
We can give, take, reject advice.
Or even ignore it as a whole.
But in the end our thoughts
Achievements and even our
Failures bring about that
End.
That person we're meant to be.

Things will be thrown at us.
Things we never expected.
But that's how life goes.

People are so quick to
Judge.
Quick to assuming.
Quick to make a mold
For everyone to fit in.
But there's always
Something more.
Something deeper.
Things you'll never
See.
Unless you're willing
To get close.
Unless you're willing
To listen.

You can tell, with some
People,
If they have had a hard life.
Some people trials show on
Their face.
In their attitude.
In the way they treat life.
But others may seem perfect.
Like they've never been hurt.
These people certainly do know
Pain.
They are strong enough to not
Let it weigh them down.

It is hard to be strong.
Hard to put up with all the
Pain.
All the petty promises.
All the experiences that
Force you to grow.
Bitterness and anger
From the small tiffs and
From the real problems.
From family life.
From teenage drama.
All of it adds to the load.
But that's how life goes.

The strongest are those
That can still be happy.
And that's how life is lived.

I'm Not Yours

I'm not yours to
Hold.
I'm not yours to
Keep.
I'm not yours
Forever.

I can always
Make you happy.
And fill all your
Sweetest dreams.
But I'm not yours
Forever.
Not even while you
Sleep.

You return the
Favor.
Make me smile
When I need it
Most.

But I can never
Feel that way.

You're one of my
Best friends and
I love you more
Than almost all
Others.

But I can never
Feel that way.

I want to be the
One.
The one you call
Your own.
I know I could
Treat you right
And make you
Feel at home.
I know I could
Be the best
You've ever had

But I can never
Feel that way.
I'm not yours to
Hold.
I'm not yours to
Keep.
I'm not yours
Forever.
Not even while you
Sleep.

I am meant for
someone else...
I may not have
Found him yet.
But I know he is
Out there waiting.
The one that will
Hold my heart
And keep it safe
From harm.
The one that will
Hold me in his arms
Forever.
Sheltered, certain,
Calm.

I know you'll
Find that girl
Though you
Think that I'm
The one.
She's out there
Waiting for you.
To have you for
Her own.

I'll always be
Here for you.
Always be
Your friend.
I care about you
Deeply.
But I can not
Pretend.

My Crying Shoulder

We don't talk
Often and
We're not
Best friends
But you were
A great comfort
To me at a very
Difficult time.

I can not
Express
How thankful
I am for
Someone
Such as you
In my life.

You didn't
Even need to
Ask to know
I needed you.
You were more
Than willing to be
My crying shoulder.

You freely gave
A calm repose
For my stormy
Mind.
I felt lost and
You gave me hope.
I felt abandoned
And you showed me
Love and kindness.

You listened and
Best of all
Held me when I
Cried.
Your consolation
Helped me more
Than you can know.
You were someone I
Could turn to.

Those kind
Gestures
Giving me
Just the
Strength I
Needed

There are no words
Good enough to
Explain this
New found
Love and
Respect I have
For you.

Do you really?

You felt nothing...
I bore my heart
And you felt
Nothing...?

Shows how
Much you
Really care...

You're always
Lying.
Even if they're
Mostly white.
Would you just
Try to be
Straight forward
With me?

Shows how
Much you
Really care...

This beating
Around the bush
Holds me at bay.
I don't want to
Believe anything
You say

It's like you want
To hide from me...

"Just accept it"
I can't and I won't.
Not this time.
You want my
Trust?
You don't deserve it!!
You've lost it too
Many times before.

Shows how
Much you
Really care...

Do you really?
I think not.

Now I know

Left out
Now I know
Pushed out
Now I know
Excluded
Now I know
Lonely
Now I know
Unsure
Now I Know
In the dark
Now I Know
Confused
Now I know

Abandoned

All these feelings
I've felt before...
But never in
Quite this way.
It's new,
It's hard,
It's uncomfortable.
It seems to have
Already been
Played out

Standing next to me
You're somewhere else
Something's missing

Maybe it's my
Attitude...
How I choose to
React.
Maybe I should
Get over it...
That won't work.
Maybe I should
Talk about it...
But I don't
Trust you anymore

Lack of trust
Lack of trust
Lack of trust
It causes such a
Vicious cycle

The Darkness

A deep, dark,
Dismal shadow
Hauntingly
Seeps across the
Ground.
A large oil spill
Suffocating as
It spreads.
Choking out
Everything that
Lies in it's
Path.
The pain of death
Comes sickly
Slow.

Drowning out all
Light and
Hope.

Images of the
Past,
Silent stalkers
In the night.
Only emerging
When all
Other
Distraction is
Gone.
Flashing through
The mind like a
Silent picture show.
Bringing back all the
Pain, stupidity, and
Loneliness of
Decisions made

These mistakes
I've made.
These ghosts won't
Leave me.

I try to walk a path
To where I can live without
Regrets.
But these shadows from the
Past still follow me through life.


I wish I could forget

I wish I could forget

I wish I could

Forget

Stepping Aside

Is this something
I should do?
Let things come
Between me and
You?
I am in great
Conflict.
I don't know.

I feel like
Someone else is
Trying to take
"My" place.
I feel left out
And sometimes
Ignored.
Pushed out...
It's hard...
So hard.

When you're
With that
Special
Someone
All you can
Think about is
Them.
People have done
This before,
Let me go,
And I've always
Stepped aside.
Always given up.

But now I'm tired.
Mentally and emotionally,
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I wish I could win.
I wish I could get what
I want.

I want to take this
Path.
One step at a time.
But it seems like
There are too
Many heard steps
Ahead.
One way or another
Life moves on and
I must force
Myself to walk.

I gave up but
I wish I would
Win.
Just once I wish
I could win....

Drama

Hard,
Painful,
And stupid,
Right?
Yes.
All bad,
Right?
Not quite.

People that
Cause drama
Only hurt
Themselves.

But others
Have drama
Thrust upon
Them and
Try to solve it.
When handled
Well these things
Make us strong.
Every little fight
And misunderstanding
Help us learn.
Help us realize
How to treat others
As they would
Want to be
Treated.

Lies

Spiraling,
Building,
And escalating
Out of control.
Becoming
Something it's
Not meant to be.
Hurting feelings
And destroying
Trust.

That little five
Letter word...
So hard to
Build.
So easy to
Destroy.

Rebuilding
Becomes even
More difficult.
Shattered
Pieces must be
Found.
New things must
Be added.
But it will never
Be the same.
Taking the form of
Something new.
Hopefully it will be
Just as beautiful as
Before.

A Continuation

He loves me,
He loves me not.
She was torn and
Tired,
He loves me,
He loves me not.
Broken and bare.

And innocence
Replaced by
Knowledge and
Maybe even
Wisdom.

She grew up,
Became stronger.
But an unknown
Emptiness lingered.

That thing that
Ripped her apart
Now the thing
Holding her together

Now she can run and
Jump and play.
Just like the other
Kids on the
Playground.

An emptiness filled

She thought she had
Found the perfect
Friend.
Always there to
Play pretend.
Always there to
Laugh with.
A friend better
Than all the rest.

Then a terrible
Storm came and
Whisked her friend
Away.

The other kids
Were amazed and
Surprised by this
Sudden tempest.
They shared their
Toys and games
Trying to cheer
The saddened
Little girl.

She made some
New friends,
Good friends,
And maybe
Even the best.

When the storm
Subsided her
Friend came
Back on those
Fickle winds.

Things are
Different.
Trusts broken,
Pain caused,
And anger still
Remaining.
She's not
Prepared for the
Reparations
To be made.

She is young and
Inexperienced.
Fighting her way
Through the devastation
Caused on her
Pretty little park.
This friend no longer
The best.
Now she is lost.
Not knowing how to
Feel.

He's my friend,
Is he not?
A new take on that
He's my friend,
Is he not?
Childhood game.

He's my friend,
Is he not?
The overshadowing
He's my friend,
Is he not?
Cloud of doubt
He's my friend,
Is he not?
And emptiness
He's my friend,
Is he not?
Remains.

My One True Friend

You were my one true friend
The one person that
Always made me feel
Safe and loved.
I've never felt that
Connection with anyone
Before.


You made me so
Happy.
Not because I was
In love with you
But because I love you.
And I felt that
Love returned.
Even if you didn't
Express it often.

I had a stability
In you.
A friendship that
Was meant to be.

But, through unexpressed
Insecurity, I ruined it.
And now I hate myself
For causing both
Of us so much pain.

I still don't fully
Understand the situation...
But it becomes more
Clear to me as time
Goes on.

I realize I screwed up,
Messed up,
And ruined things...
But now I want to do
Everything I can to
Fix them.

That one true friend
I had and lost
Means more to me
Than anything
Else

I'm so sorry.
These words sound so
Cliche and over used.
They come no where
Close to expressing
What I feel.
But it is the only thing
I can think of to
Describe this feeling
Of regret and
Loneliness.

I hope you can forgive me

Letting Go ( you know where to find me)

We were once good friends.
We spent so much time
Growing closer.
I feel so hard.
I thought I wanted to be
With you forever.
But I'm sick of waiting.
Sick of hanging by
You little string.

We've just grown apart
Despite all my efforts.
I guess I wanted to believe.
I guess I was just in denial.
So now it's time.
I must move on
And have already.
Do you really want
My friendship?
It no longer seems you
Even want to talk to me...
It hurts me more than
I can say...
But I want to be free.
So now I must let
You go.

When you want to be
My friend again you
Know where to find me.

This New Crush Feeling

So Fun,
So Fast,
So Exhilarating.
The butterflies
Going wild
Every time I see you,
Hear your voice,
And every time we touch.
My stomach leaps
My heart soars
And I'm excited for every
Single day because
It's just one more
Chance to be with you.

I can't stop smiling.
I can't stop laughing.
I feel so light,
So happy
That I just
Want to dance.
This is something
Fresh.
Something I haven't
Felt in a while.
I can't wait to be
With you again.

I love this new crush feeling!